The Ultimate Dad Guide To Trolling Your Kids
This is how we troll.
Congratulations! If you’re reading this post it means you’re a dad!
One of the most misunderstood but incredibly important duties of being a dad is “dad trolling.”
In fact, studies have shown that children who were dad trolled are 14 times smarter than those who weren’t.
Want to give your kids the best chance in life? Try some of these highly effective dad trolling techniques:
2. If your kid won’t get out of bed in the morning, blast “Big Girls Don’t Cry” on your phone.
Other perfect songs for trolling your kid out of bed include “Ghostbusters,” “Who Let the Dogs Out,” “Barbie Girl,” and “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.”
3. Grow a beard, then surprise your kid by shaving it off.
Dad Bradley Bailey brilliantly trolled his daughter during a game of peekaboo. She’s already earned early admission to Harvard.
4. Take your kid to a Big & Tall store and browse through their largest sizes. When your kid asks what you’re doing, say, “My doc said I’m going to start growing again. Should be 8 feet tall by summer.”
If your kid asks if that will happen to them too one day, solemnly reply, “Of course. You’re my kid.”
5. Put one of these in your kid’s school lunch.
When they get home, ask, “Was your lunch purr-fect?”
7. Tell your kid you bet they can’t tell the difference between sugar and salt just by looking at them. Then fill two spoons and ask your kid to taste test the one they think is sugar.
Spoiler alert: You’ve filled both spoons with salt.
8. Master the art of the “dad joke,” then make as many of them as often as possible.
9. When your kid asks what a random word means — like, say, “indecisive” — get angry and say, “Don’t ever say that word again! It is a very, very bad word!”
Later, when someone uses the word in public, look at your kid and shake your head disapprovingly. Try to keep this up as absolutely long as possible.
NOTE: Dad trolling legend Tom Gonzalez’s 38-year-old son, Timmy, still refuses to say “redundant” in mixed company.
10. Do what you can to take your teenager down a notch when they’re really feeling their look.
Bonus points for trolling your kid’s selfie game.
11. Set up a doll bed in your guest room. When your kid asks why it’s there, nonchalantly mention that your 18-inch-tall cousin, Hans, will be visiting.
Later, put a doll under the covers when your kid is at school. When your kid gets home, inform them that Hans has arrived but is jet-lagged and not to be disturbed.
12. When you appear in a photo with your children, try to be as embarrassing as humanly possible.
Thanks to this dad’s fine trolling, these girls grew up to be Rhodes Scholars.
13. When you’re stopped at a light, use your “psychic powers” to predict when the light is going to change.
Here’s how to do it: Watch the light on the cross street out of the corner of your eye. When it turns yellow, say, “Three, two, one…. Presto.”
This next part is important: No matter how old your kid gets, never cop to the trick. If they ask you how you did it on your death bed reply, “I told you. I’m psychic.”
Now get out there and start trolling, dads!
Your kids will thank you. (One day.) (Maybe.)
Read more: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mikespohr/the-ultimate-dad-guide-to-trolling-your-kids
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